I am free

I don't need to save you, or to be helpful, or to devote myself to you. I need to tend to my life. That's my only responsibility.

why do my dreams always come with a big worry?
worry that you won’t be okay. 
I wish I could trust you to be happy. 
You owe me that, 
to be happy.

and that is the only thing I ask for.
stop pretending to worry about me
and enjoy your life
so I can live mine. 

I can’t wait for you to be happy 
but I can’t wait forever
I’ve become very good at waiting and hoping for things to change. 
but you can’t trust everyone to change 
You can’t expect people to change just because they say they want to.
or because you know they can. 

Every word I say, I mean 
so it’s hard for me to think that some people throw words around like they don’t mean anything.
I am listening deeply. 
I want to believe when you say you love me. 
I want to believe you but you have lied for too long. 
You make me feel guilty for calling you a liar 
How much more guilt can my body take,
before it stops functioning?

I want to be free from this relationship 
from the love I cannot stop feeling for you 
from the love that stops me from living my fullest life. 

Maybe there’s no world or dimension in which you are happy 
Maybe it only exists in my mind 
Maybe the world is a good place even if you can’t be happy 
maybe things are fair 
and possible
and beautiful 
even if you can't feel it.

maybe it’s not all about you,
you just pretend it is. 

but lately I've been thinking, 
I want to be free from freeing.

i don’t need to free anyone from their sorrow
their misery, their discontenment with life
their regrets of what they should have done 
their idea that they can’t change it now and move on, 
because in their head, it's always too late.
the love they wished they received and the love they couldn’t see that they got 
the memories of a better time and the sadness because it’s now gone 
the projections they have of the people around them, 
the parts of them they never got to meet 
their fear and desire of death 
their longing for who they want to be and could have been if it wasn’t for life being so unfair 
the love they intended to give but never managed to
their waiting and waiting for something to happen or someone to fix things. 

I am the one that fixes things 
and it’s not fun. 
because you can’t convince someone to be happy.
and it doesn't matter if you have perfect hair, perfect hips, perfect grades, perfect career, 
their unhappiness is not about you.
they should have space in their hearts to be proud of how far you've come. 
but the only thing they have energy for 
is to fantasize about not being here anymore. 

you worry. 
you ask them. 
what does it take. 
they're too afraid of themselves. 
they wanna talk about you. 
you are the problem.
you should make them happy. 
and you will make them happy in the way that they want to. 

they think if only you were different.
all lies. but it never stops haunting me. 
it never stops draining me the idea that i could make you happy if only i gave up on myself.
a part of me always holds onto the idea that there is something i can do 

but just because you say so,
doesn’t mean it’s true.

you say a lot of things. 
they mean less and less as time goes by. 
you don’t do what you say 
you don’t think what you say 
you don’t feel what you say 

so it’s not important.

only you can make the choice to be happy 
if you really want it, 
if you're willing. 
are you willing to feel better? 
or are you afraid of your potential?
of the version of you that's happy?
all unknown territory.

what’s the fear there?
i’d like to know 
but i’m not your therapist 
even if i try to be sometimes, even if i try to help 
i just need to remind myself
i don’t need to be helpful 
i don’t need to save anyone 
i don’t need to be anyone’s hero or anyone’s relief or anyone’s antidocte
to be a good person.
i don't need to devote my life to you,
to deserve good things. 
i don't need to spend time with you, 
to earn the pity of others, 
to ear the empathy of others. 
i don't need to spend time doing mental gymnastics to save you from your misery. 
you can do that. 
even if people have told you that you're incapable of doing things. 
you can do that. 

i need to be myself outside of what you made me think i was. 
follow what i never have the energy to follow 
or the courage to follow 
because im too busy trying to make you happy or worrying that something i’m doing is getting you closer to the deepest rock bottom. 
but i don’t need to free anyone
but myself.

that's my only responsibility. 

i'm not afraid of not being a good person to your eyes. 

i free myself.
and i am free from freeing you. 

Janne Robinson once said, have the courage to disappoint people.

Please disappoint everyone you need to disappoint.

Have the courage to be in this world knowing that someone thinks the worst of you. My dad does. And I am at peace.

But I’m still not quite at peace with other family members not accepting all of who I am, and I’m trying to figure out how I can follow my vision and dreams while my family keeps trying to drag me down. Guilt is something I feel often. A guilt that isn’t mine. I also feel scared of not having a family to come back to, but I’m learning a lot and I’m ready to let go of my fear of visibility, failure, and success from my writing, because I love writing, and I think it’s time I stop self-sabotaging and I start really following what’s exciting. This is exciting.

Thank you to anyone who stops for a few minutes to read these words, I wrote them because I feel so much hope, and I want to share them because maybe I name something; an emotion or feeling in you, that is difficult to understand without art.

Now more than ever I understand the importance of art. We need it. And we need poetry. Even if it’s cringey sometimes. I don’t care. I need your poetry, and you need mine.

Love you all ❤️